Letters From Spain
by Burningbridges
Summary: An RE 4 parody. The true story of what happened to Ashley in Spain… Leon, a complete dork with issues, the two Spanish cops, gay as ever, the Merchant, not just a weirdo anymore, and Saddler, an unsuccessful magician – in love?
1. All You Need is Love

_Yeah, yeah, I know – I have a bunch of things I've needed to update forever, and I already started yet another story with yet another friend. So why am I starting AN ADDITIONAL new story?_

_Well, I got inspired listening to music by Kansas (don't even know what gave me the idea) and I didn't want to pass up the opportunity to write something weird and entertaining – as well as really creepy. To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing with this, but I'll try to make sure that I don't neglect it quite as much as my other stories. I just need something to do right now…_

_Now, bear with me – this beginning probably won't take very long to get going, but I don't want to give the whole plot away at once either. And be forewarned, there will probably be some dialogue that's ridiculous, or just plain insulting to your intelligence._

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Letters From Spain

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: All You Need is Love

Osmund Saddler sat at his desk, staring lovingly at a photograph in a frame of vine-like twisted pewter, tapping the tip of a quill against a piece of slightly tattered paper. He had a lot on his mind that he wanted to put into words, but he knew there would be time for that later on, when he wasn't busy with his plot to take over the world. But he needed to say just the right thing…

As far back as he could remember, he'd never been as happy as he was right now. The psychological scars left by the years he'd spent as a complete failure of a magician were slowly fading away, he had the whole community in his control and he'd found the one he knew he was meant to be with. He was certain that life would be much better from now on.

Now if he could only think of what to say…

His staff twitched, and he looked over to where it leaned against the wall.

"What do you think I should write?" he asked, and it quivered like a severed squid tentacle.

"You pervert! I'm not writing that! Wait – I know…"

He dipped the quill in a jar of ink, scrawling his thoughts in elegant script across the paper.

_My Dear,_

_Words cannot express the feeling that has clenched my heart in this unwavering death grip. It's more than just love, it's the feeling of having just eaten a thousand Slim Jims and chugging a gallon of whisky in five minutes… a slightly sickening rush of bliss. I wish you were here with me right now, but not to worry – we'll be together soon. Right after I take care of some business. I hope that –_

The door was suddenly flung open, and Salazar came dancing in, carrying a radio that was blasting "Safety Dance".

"We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind 'cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine…"

"Ramon!" Saddler shouted, trying to be heard over Men Without Hats. "RAMON!"

"Uh, yes?" Salazar asked, turning down the volume.

"I'm trying to write a letter here."

"You're not writing a death threat to David Blaine again, are you? Or once more telling Chriss Angel that he's a 'sacrilegious bitch'?"

"No, I'm writing to the love of my life."

"Oh, oh, sorry I interrupted… By the way, do you want that Krauser guy to go get the president's daughter yet?"

"I told you already – I'll let him know when I'm prepared."

"Well, it's just that he keeps asking and - "

"Then tell him to get a hobby! Can you not see I'm busy right now? Go away!"

Salazar left quickly, leaving Saddler to his letter again.

So, as I was saying before the long scribble across the page… 

_I hope that when we finally come together it'll be as though all the bad things I've experienced never happened, and we can enjoy a lifetime in each others' company, ruling the world. We'll be bigger than Sonny and Cher._

_I look forward to the moment when I can take you into my arms and … smell your hair? Is that what I wanted to say?_

…_That damn David Blaine…_

_Anyway, see you soon._

_Love,_

_Your Ossie_

He placed the quill in the ink jar, and heaved a sigh as he folded the paper into thirds and sealed it with a wax stamp portraying the Los Illuminados insignia. "It won't be long now."

The staff shuddered and he glared at it.

"I never told you her name because that's none of your business. Besides, I want it to be a surprise."

The staff replied with a sharp jerk.

"What's she like? She's a goddess in a woman's body…"

Sometime later, in America…

Ashley Graham was driving along, a cellphone in one hand, yakking away.

"So I was all like, 'Sup, home slice?'. And she was like, 'Wigga, please'. Then we totally got into a fight and I bust a cap in her ass!"

"Wawawa, wawawawawa," said the phone.

"What do you mean stop acting like I'm from the ghetto? Bitch, I EMBODY the ghetto!"

Jack Krauser, who was hiding in the back seat, was getting sick of listening to Ashley talk, and he was sure it was about time to get this plan in action.

"Thug life!" Ashley said, and Krauser sat up.

"First of all, do you know it's illegal to have a phone in your hand while you drive? Second, would you shut the hell up already?"

Ashley slammed on the brakes. "… Why are you in my car?"

"I'm taking you on a vacation," he said sarcastically and she dropped the cellphone, clapping her hands together with enthusiasm.

"Yay, a vacation!"

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_Okay, I hope no one got offended by Ashley "embodying the ghetto" – if you did, please don't hurt me…_

_Wow, Saddler has great letter writing skills, huh? That definitely isn't the way to sweep a woman off her feet…_

_And I know I didn't get too into the whole "Saddler being a failed magician" thing yet, but I'll get to that as I go along. It'll probably play an important role somehow…_

_Anyway, join me for the next chapter, when we find out what the hell is going on here!_

_Now, if you're reading, leave me a review and let me know what you think! And feel free to raid my fridge…_


	2. The Girlfriend

_Alrighty, another chapter coming at ya. In this one, we'll get an idea of what's going on, and probably see something scary as well… Not like "horror movie scary", but more like "seeing your grandma naked" scary. Hey, just warning you._

_I actually didn't know if I was going to write this when I started chapter 1. Now I'm glad I did, 'cause I'm sorta having fun writing it. And I plan to do whatever I have to, to finish it._

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Chapter Two: The Girlfriend

Saddler paced uncomfortably back and forth across the room, trying to collect his thoughts while his staff squirmed in his hand irritably.

"Quit it already," he muttered to it, and it begrudgingly stopped.

"What's wrong?" Salazar asked coming into the room, carrying a teapot. "Do you have hemorrhoids?"

"Shut the hell up! What's wrong with you, you sicko?!"

"I'm just saying that's what it looked like. Here, want some tea? It'll make you feel better."

"Okay, fine," Saddler grumbled, receiving a cup of tea and taking a sip. He abruptly spit it out. "What is this made out of?! It tastes like poison oak brewed in cat piss!"

"… That might be because it is…"

"WHAT?!"

"All the water in this area is dirty, and dirty water usually has diseases in it! And I couldn't find anything else to substitute for tea leaves!"

"THAT'S WHY YOU BOIL THE WATER AND USE SOMETHING OTHER THAN LEAVES!"

"Like cow manure?"

Saddler slammed his head into the wall several times, suddenly not totally surprised at how easy it had been to get his miniature associate to undo the Las Plagas seal. Just when he was considering killing himself right then and there, the door opened again and this time Mendez and Krauser came in, following a potato sack with legs.

"Why did you bring me a sack of potatoes with legs?" Saddler said, raising an eyebrow.

"That's the president's daughter," Mendez replied, questioning the sanity of his acquaintances.

"Oh, the president's daughter, right," Saddler said.

"Mission accomplished," Krauser said. "Should I pull the sack off now?"

"Well, duh," Saddler answered, descending the short flight of stairs and approaching them slowly.

He pulled the potato sack off of Ashley, who looked around for a minute confusedly, then laid eyes on Saddler. A smile spread across her face.

"Ossie?"

"I told you we'd be together soon, baby," he replied.

"OSSIE!" Ashley screamed joyfully, wrapping her arms around him in a bear hug.

The other three stood there, speechless.

"Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend."

The stared for a long time.

"Your girlfriend is the president's daughter?" Mendez just barely managed to say.

"How did that happen?" Salazar added.

"'Ossie'?" Krauser said in a disturbed tone.

Saddler turned to the audience (yes, you) and smiled. "I owe it all to eHarmony."

"Um… Who are you talking to?" Mendez asked, and he shook his head.

"Doesn't matter. What does matter is I have my beautiful seraphim by my side!"

The three of them gagged collectively.

"Oh my God…" Ashley said, looking up at him. "You're even sexier in person!"

Krauser puked, Salazar nearly fainted and Mendez contemplated shooting himself.

"Does this mean the whole plot to take over the world was just a ploy to get your girlfriend here?" Mendez questioned.

"No, the plot's still on. Right, hunny bunny?"

"You bet! I'm just worried daddy will get mad…"

"Don't worry, we'll take care of that."

"Are you serious? She knows about the plan, too?" Krauser groaned. "I thought this was super secret, or something."

"She's the love of my life, I tell her everything. Anyway, now we send the ransom and make the president believe that his daughter has been kidnapped and something terrible is going to happen to her if he doesn't send us…" He paused dramatically, putting his pinky finger to his lips. "One billion dollars."

"He watches way too many movies," Salazar whispered and the other two nodded in agreement.

"Then she and I get married, and we take over the world."

"Wow, this plan is fool-proof!" Ashley said. "I love it when you come up with evil plots, my Ossie Wossie."

Krauser and Salazar both puked, unfortunately right into Mendez' face.

"This is going to be a long day…" Mendez mumbled, wiping vomit from his eyes.

A short time later, elsewhere in Spain…

Leon was telling the two Spanish cops his life story. "… Then the city got blown to smithereens and that's how the ice cream got melted. The end."

"Were you saying something? We weren't really paying attention," the driver said.

"Yeah, because we actually have lives," the passenger side cop said. "Oh, hold on, stop the car – I suddenly have to piss."

"You and your thimble-sized bladder," the driver said, pulling over. The other cop got out, wandering over to the edge of the woods and "unleashing the dragon".

"So…" Leon started, trying to make conversation. "Are you guys gay?"

"No," the driver said, even as he was staring out the window at his partner. Slowly his hand moved down…

"Oh, dude, that's nasty! Don't do that when I'm around!" Leon said, and the driver gave him a funny look.

"What do you mean? I was just getting my soda."

The other cop got back in with a shudder. "There was some creepy guy with a hatchet in the woods!"

Neither of them paid attention to what he'd just said.

They drove across a rope bridge that must have had steel supports hidden somewhere to bear that much weight, and parked a few yards from a small two-story house.

"I hate you for no apparent reason, so go find out if anyone's seen the girl," the driver said.

"Fine," Leon responded, getting out, but then stalling for time once outside of the car. He walked around it in circles, until the passenger side cop leaned out the window.

"What's - "

"AHH!" Leon screamed, running back around the car.

"Oops, forgot to zip my fly…"

On the other side of the car the driver glared at Leon through the window. "What's the matter? Forget your make up? Wait a minute…" he said, catching sight of himself in the mirror. "I forgot to put my eye shadow on today…"

He couldn't help, but stare at the driver as he actually began to apply several different colors of eye shadow. He aimed his handgun at him, curious to see how he would react.

"Get going, would you?" the driver said nastily.

"Or what?"

"We'll make you eat our - "

"AAAHHH!" Leon shrieked, running for the house.

"What? I was going to say 'old twinky that we found in the trunk'."

Away from the car…

Leon, the ever semi-paranoid ex-cop approached the house, not seeing much of anything out of the ordinary except for a pickup truck blocking the nearest road, and a front door that was wide open.

"Nothing suspicious around here," he commented, walking right into the house like he owned it.

He paused next to the bookshelf not far from the door, examining the thick layer of dust covering a collection of books called "How to Butcher a Human". For no particular reason, he poked the bookshelf and it suddenly toppled over. "Um, sorry whoever owns this house!"

He rounded the corner, spotting a creepy guy wearing a lot of brown hunched over the fireplace, prodding what seemed to be burning body parts, idly.

"That wasn't a bookshelf falling over your heard, that was… me trying to… do a jig!" The guy didn't answer. "Er… Excuse me; have you seen the president's daughter? She's blond, dresses real preppy… Here's a picture." He held up a poster of a lost bike. "Wait, that's not it." This time he held up the photo of Ashley.

The villager scratched his head and replied, "Uuuuuhhhhhh…"

"Okay, sorry to bother you," Leon murmured, starting to leave when the guy grabbed a hatchet and ran at him.

Unfortunately for the villager, he'd forgotten the rule about running with sharp objects and tripped, going face first into the hatchet and dying.

There was a sound of an engine starting and Leon ran to the widow, just catching a glimpse of the pickup truck driving down the path and right over the cliff. "Their insurance payments are going to go way up!"

His communicator beeped at him, and he pulled it out.

"Where you at?" Hunnigan asked not bothering to look at him, apparently trying to inspect the map on the Boost Mobile in her hand.

"Can't talk right now, I'm busy," he said, hanging up. With that done, he went over to the fire and sat down, taking out an uncooked smore and holding it close to the flames. There was a lot of shouting in Spanish outside, but he disregarded it.

"Mmm… Human-smoked smores…"

He ate his smore, suddenly realizing something. "Hey, is that a brain?"

He stuck his arm into the flames, and pulled it back out with his sleeve on fire. "Uh-oh, I'd better find something to put it out!"

He ran into the next room, finding a closet full of human skeletons. Above it was a sign reading: "Bones have been soaked in gasoline. Do not expose to flame."

"Bones! Bones can put out fire!" He stuck his arm in the bones, causing the pile to burst into flames, at which point a herd of blazing rats ran out of the closet. He headed up the stairs, hoping to find a bucket of water.

Finding none, he looked out the window, seeing three scary-looking guys with farming tools. "That means the door's probably mysteriously blocked off."

His arm was beginning to get unbearably toasty.

"Um, um! What was the rule for putting out fire? 'Stop, drop and roll'? No, that wasn't it. Oh, I remember! 'Jump out the nearest window screaming and flailing wildly'!"

He jumped through the glass, flying through the air and… landing on one of the villagers, coated with glass.

"Ow, my knee! It's got glass and Spanish dude stuck in it!"

The other two Spanish guys gathered around as he stood up, completely forgetting about the guy he landed on, picking out the glass while he greeted them. "Hola, have you seen the - "

Before he could finish, one guy stabbed him with a pitchfork.

"Ow! You bastard! I'm going to rip you guts out and feed them to you!"

The villager with the pitchfork began to cry, and he ran into the house, slamming the door behind him.

"Insensitive jerk," the other one said in Spanish, following him inside.

The last villager, slowly recovering from the impact to his ribcage, looked at Leon for a moment, and then began to laugh. So he shot him in the face.

"Ugh, I feel like I got hit by a train…" The government agent took out a green herb. "Ah, the wonderful, yet highly addictive properties of morphine in a little green plant."

Eating the plant, he looked around at his surroundings. "I guess I'd better go that way," Leon said to himself, heading for the road that had been blocked by the truck. "There couldn't possibly be anything dangerous down there."

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_And there you have it. Ashley is Saddler's girlfriend. I always knew eHarmony was some evil force…_

_Man, I love those two Spanish cops – they're just so fun to laugh at. Maybe I'll keep them alive for a little while…What they'd be doing at this point in the game, I don't know, but I have an idea that's perfect for them…_

_Leon comes across as a total dork in this story… Usually he's a little smarter in my stories, but with a stoner kind of thing going on. I think in this he's going to be "the walking disaster" or something. Well, until next time… when I get to write about Dr. Salvador, huzzah!_

_So, if you're reading, why not leave me a review and let me know what you thought? Every review helps me recharge my brain._


	3. There's a Pirate on the Brainship

_Ah, another chapter. At least I've been inspired for this story – now if I could only come up with stuff for some of the other ones… Anyway…_

_Let's get back to the weird situations, now-evil Ashley and our hero with the questionable intelligence._

_Plus, you ever wonder what the Merchant was doing right before hanging out in weird places and selling Leon weapons? Well, you're about to find out._

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Chapter Three: There's a Pirate on the Brainship

Of all the places the Merchant ever thought he'd be, this wasn't one of them. His dream was to sell random, and possibly psychotic people weapons without any form of a background check. But due to the lack of people in these parts, he ended up being an odd jobs guy, which led him here.

The room was elegant, suggestive of the Victorian era, with a grey and blue wallpaper that probably dated back to that time. Deep red curtains that occasionally fluttered with a breeze were drawn across the windows lining the wall behind the bed, casting a shadow over the normally bright quarters. Lining the three walls surrounding the bed, contrasting the dark wood floor, were long flowerbeds full of orange lilies, Chinese lantern and oriental poppies, lit up in the darkness by lights along the back – the only lights in the whole room.

And in that aforementioned bed…

"You, stay and strike up the music again," Saddler said to the Merchant, who'd been turning to leave the room.

"But I don't really want to watch you - "

"If you do not wish to do as you were told, I can always have you put to a better use as a research subject…"

The Merchant sat back down on his stool, pulling his harp close and beginning to pluck the strings, playing a slow, gloomy melody.

"My love, you'll soon be queen of the world. Does this please you?"

"I'm content just being with you," Ashley responded.

The Merchant tried desperately to pretend he was somewhere far, far away and ignore what they were doing while he played.

"I'm in my happy place. Yeah, I'm in my happy place, and I'm surrounded by guns," he chanted quietly.

"Do that again," she said, and the Merchant started chanting to himself even faster.

"I'm in a cave by the lake, and I'm surrounded by dangerous weapons! Weapons, weapons, weapons!"

"So," Ashley said suddenly, "What was that you were telling me about being a magician?"

Saddler stopped what he was doing, rolling dejectedly onto his back. "It's a long, painful story," he replied, hoping she'd take a hint.

"I have all the time in the world."

"I'd rather not go into it. All I can say is that I hate all magicians everywhere, especially the famous ones…"

"David Blaine?"

"Creepy bastard."

"Chriss Angel?"

"Annoying bastard."

"Penn and Teller?"

"Creepy and annoying bastards, with a weird idea of entertainment."

"What about David Copperfield?"

"Isn't that the name of a book?"

"It's also the name of a magician."

"Oh. Yeah, then him, too."

"That's a lot of people to resent."

"Whatever," Saddler said, wanting to change the subject. "Anyway, I'd prefer not to think about that anymore…"

"We think someone is coming here!" Salazar and Mendez said in unison, throwing open the bedroom doors.

"Ooh, what are you two lovebirds up to?" Salazar asked, receiving a dirty look from Saddler.

"What does it look like? Forget that, what did you disturb us for?"

"I get the feeling someone is coming here … Like ABBA," Mendez replied.

"Nonsense," Saddler said.

"I do, too," Salazar added. "I can hear Super Trouper!"

Saddler rolled his eyes. He really needed new lackeys. "Can you just go away, so we can get back to what we were doing?"

Meanwhile, Off in Pueblo…

Ada was busy fighting off a horde of crazy villagers with extremely sharp farming tools, wondering whether they were xenophobic, or just really hated unannounced visitors. She had just killed the last one of them when –

"Hellooooo."

She turned around, coming face to face with Wesker. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in a dark room somewhere, sitting around and being generally annoying?"

"Well, technically yes, but - "

"You caught the wrong flight and got stuck here?"

"No… I figured I'd come to Spain and… Harass you in person."

"Uh-huh." She rolled her eyes. "What am I supposed to be doing, anyway?"

"Getting the plaga."

"Yeah, and why?"

"Because… I have a plan for it."

"Which includes?"

"Okay, okay. I'm going to combine the plaga with what's left of William Birkin's body, and then merge that with one of Jim Henson's puppets."

"… … … Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I even have the puppet already – the scientist Skeksi from _The Dark Crystal_."

"You think that will even work?"

"It's worth a try."

"You're crazy."

"Well, that may be so. But at least I never slept with Lumberg."

"Um, why did you just quote _Office Space_?"

"I don't know. What I do know is that I have to run now. I have people to manipulate and others' expenses to laugh at." With that, he ran off.

"Why do I bother working for that guy?" she asked herself, moving on.

Only a Short Way from Pueblo…

Leon was still next to the house, staring at the path.

"What if this path is evil? It could lead me somewhere that's really… evil. Where evil could be in residence. Resident evil," he murmured, "Resident evil to the fourth power…"

He kept staring at the path intensely.

"Eh, it couldn't be that evil."

He began walking down the path, trying to shoot crows and missing completely, when he came to a signpost decorated with human skulls.

"Is this area populated by sick-minded morticians, or is it Halloween? Ah, Halloween, it's the most wonderful time of the year…"

He was so busy humming Christmas tunes that he almost missed the dog with its leg stuck in the bear trap.

"Oh damn, hold still! I'll shoot it off!"

The dog, having already seen his bad aim with crows, bolted off, the bear trap still clamped onto its foot.

"Huh… Wonder what that was about."

Up ahead, Leon found himself in a spot that seemed safe. If you're blind.

And for his first feat, he managed to walk right into the explosive line.

"Ow. So that's what it feels like to be TNT."

There was a nearby shout, and a villager came to say hi. But before he could do so, he ran right into a tree, knocking himself unconscious.

"Aww," Leon said, "He looks like a homicidal villager angel."

There were two more villagers up ahead, standing in front of a bridge and tossing sharp objects at him. The only problem was that they were too busy staring at him to realize their aim wasn't the greatest.

"Dude," the one said in Spanish, "You just stabbed me!"

"I was trying to stab him."

"Well, you didn't!"

Leon watched as the two villagers screamed back and forth and began to attack each other. "Looks like their busy."

He walked right past them, and over the bridge, spotting some more people up on a hill, talking loudly.

"Come, we'd better go tell everyone there's a new guy coming into town."

"Yes, yes – we'll make him into soup."

"Right after we slaughter him horribly."

"Here he comes, let's go."

"Where are you going? Do I smell that bad?" Leon called after them as they ran down into the village.

Continuing on, he found a shack. And a dead woman pitchforked in the face. He stood there, looking at her corpse for a long time. "I wonder why she got killed… She'd make a great nude model for an art class."

Not thinking any further about it, he pulled the pitchfork out, and stuffed the mutilated body into his magical attaché case that could hold anything and once belonged to Puff the Magic Dragon.

At the end of the path was the entrance to Pueblo.

"This is it. End of the line." He pushed the doors open, and…

"I'm in the village," he said, putting one foot through the doors. "Now I'm not." He took his foot out.

"I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out, I'm in - "

His communicator beeped, and he answered it.

"Leon, what the hell are you doing? Go find the president's daughter!" Hunnigan yelled at him.

"Can't chat, still busy." And he hung up. "This is getting me nowhere. I might as well go look around."

He wandered inside, ducking behind a tree and pulling out his binoculars. "Wow, this town is like a home for geriatric farmers, or something. Maybe it's one big nursing home…"

He continued right into the middle of town, stopping at the stake where the one cop was supposed to be baking. But instead it was a cow.

"Awesome, barbecue!"

The villagers dropped everything they were doing (except for one who was coating the cow in barbecue sauce) and began to come at him, with weapons.

"Everyone's so hostile around here. Maybe I'll just go see what's in the house with the door that's wide open." As soon as he wandered inside, there was a sound of a chainsaw revving somewhere nearby. "There's a lumberjack in this town?"

He ran upstairs for no particular reason, and sat down on the bed. "Hey, this is kinda cozy. I wonder if this is memory foam…"

Dr. Salvador made his way up the stairs slowly, chainsaw ready, when he found the American – lounging on the bed.

"You should try this bed out. It's seriously comfortable."

Dr. Salvador scratched his head. Usually people found him much scarier.

He held the chainsaw up and said something in Spanish threateningly, but still nothing.

"You're a lumberjack, right? Do you know Monty Python's lumberjack song?"

He shook his head.

"I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesday, I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea. I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. I chop down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers. I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars."

Dr. Salvador was dancing around to the song happily, right before he fell out the window and shook the whole town on impact.

"Aww, I was going to ask if I could draw him…" Leon said sadly.

Nearby church bells began to ring, and he ran outside to see everyone who had been in attack mode just seconds before, leaving.

"Where's everyone going? Bingo?"

"Yes," one of them answered before exiting the town, "We love Bingo."

"So, what do I do now?"

He looked at Dr. Salvador's body, and then the cow. "I know!"

He jammed Dr. Salvador into his attaché case, and pulled the cow down off of the hook, starting for the next path he could see leading past the tower. "Mmm, barbecue. Now if I only had a napkin…"

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_This chapter was kinda random…_

_Well, there you go. Saddler has a home now, rather than just a throne room… I'm not sure why I was on a kick with orange flowers, though._

_I couldn't resist giving Wesker more of a role in this, especially with a somewhat weird subplot. And those cops, they'll be back – I just don't know when._

_Hooray, Monty Python! I'm going to watch that show tonight, I think…_

_Anyway, I must be off. Leave me a review, and let me know what you thought of this piece of… weirdness._


	4. Of Cows, Women in Blue and Boulders

_Alrighty then, updating this a bit later than usual. I got distracted last week with painting, and working my small website, and I just never got around to typing. But I'm back now, and I'm cold…Cold during the summer, huh._

_This might be somewhat shorter than the other chapters, and get through less of the plot, but I'll try to write as much as possible. I haven't been feeling so great the last few days, so I've been spending more time in my room than on the computer. And when I have been on the computer I've been trying to write new chapters of other stuff, and I'm just not getting much of anywhere right now… I need some rest, but I'll do this first._

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Chapter Four: Of Cows, Women in Blue and Boulders

The Merchant had been planning a daring escape from Saddler's bedroom for the last hour, while the two were… preoccupied. For that matter, they were so busy, they didn't even realize he'd stopped playing the harp twenty minutes ago and was just sitting there, staring at the wall.

Most people would probably be tempted to see exactly what they were doing, but not the Merchant. He had willpower, he had a sense of morals, he had a… Really strong sense of nagging curiosity, apparently.

He turned slightly to take a glance at the couple doing their thing. After just a glimpse, he stood up abruptly in horror, tripping over his own feet and going through the door headfirst and down the stairs on the other side. After a minute of laying in a heap at the end of the stairwell, he got back up. And started jumping around, waving his hands wildly. "EWW, EWW, EWW!"

What he saw was never meant to be seen by anyone; human, animal, alien or otherwise. And for a very good reason.

Gaining his composure finally, he took a few deep breaths and began to head for the nearest exit.

"Ah, now I'm free to go be with my weapons. Maybe even sell some of them to people who just happen to be passing through the spots where I take coffee breaks, and make them think I'm a stalker because I'm always hanging out where they're going."

He happily walked out the front door, whistling a tune… And missed the first step, going face-first into the ground. "I've got to watch where I'm going…"

Meanwhile, Just Outside of the Farm…

"Now where am I?" Leon asked himself, looking around the path he'd just entered and tossing aside remaining carcass of the barbecued cow. "Ah-ha, it's a farm. Uh oh, farms are, like, the most dangerous places ever! I'd better be extra careful or my arms could get ripped off in machinery!"

He wandered along the path to a small shed where there was a table, with a typewriter. "A typewriter? I wonder what this is for. Hey, I know! I'll leave notes!"

He began to type. When he finished, he held the piece of paper up and looked at it proudly. "I've got to read this to someone!"

He pocketed the paper, leaving the shed and heading for a large paddock where two cows stood. "Hi, Holstein cow. Hi, Swiss Brown cow."

The two cows mooed in response. Evidently, Leon knows his cow breeds.

"So, what's up?"

The Holstein mooed and swished its tail.

"Yeah, I know how that is."

And cow language, it seems.

The Swiss Brown pawed the dirt.

"What's wrong? 'There's a farmer coming up behind me'?" Leon turned around, and sure enough, there was a farmer with a pitchfork. "Oh crap!"

He jumped the fence, running behind the cows. The farmer followed him.

He ran in between the cows. The farmer followed him.

He grabbed a chicken that happened to be passing by and threw it right in the farmers face. The farmer ran around the pen in circles, the chicken, still planted on the guys face, flapping its wings wildly. The farmer finally threw the chicken off, and it laid an egg for no apparent reason.

"Hey, a tasty and nutritious egg!" Leon said happily, picking it up. "Take this, you freak!"

He chucked it at the farmer, breaking over his head, directly on his bald spot.

"Damn!" the farmer cursed in Spanish, "Now I have to go wash and polish my head! Don't leave, I'll be back in half an hour!"

Leon watched as the farmer shouted something at him, pointing to his hair and freaking out as he walked off and disappeared behind the barn.

"Err… Okay…"

He suddenly heard more shouting in Spanish coming from inside the barn, and out walked a pale woman in a blue dress with a scarf covering her hair. She approached him slowly with a sickle.

Leon stared at her in awe. "You're beautiful!"

The woman stopped, giving him a funny look.

"I have to read you this poem – I think you'll like it." He pulled out the piece of paper and began to read. "I am Sy the Photo Guy. I am 0. I work at One Hour Photo."

The woman brought her hands together in an endeared fashion. "Oh, aren't you just sweet?"

"You speak English??"

"Of course. What, did you think we were all uneducated, or something?"

"No, no… Um, you are so pretty," he said, changing the subject.

She giggled. "My name's Eleanor."

"Pleased to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Leon. Hey, what's up with this place? I mean, why do people keep trying to kill me?"

"First of all, we were told by the village chief to kill anyone that we didn't know. And also, we're all crazy."

"… You mean, 'Alice in Wonderland tea party' crazy or 'wild man from the middle of nowhere' crazy?"

"The second one. What's brings you to this village, Leon?"

"I'm looking for someone who disappeared."

"Oh? Well, do you have a little time for this first?" She took her top off.

Leon drooled like Homer Simpson for about five minutes, before he came back to reality. "Man, why did I have to be on a mission? … Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry at the moment. But, I'll have plenty of time later, trust me!"

"I'll be looking forward to that. Tell you what, why don't you take one of these cows, to ride when you get tired?"

"Riding a cow? Sounds like fun."

"And I'll tell my sister Delores to keep an eye out for you. She can help if you need anything."

"What about you?" Leon asked, "Won't you come with me?"

"I can't – I have to finish my farm work first. But I'll meet up with you later."

Leon thought for a moment. And then that moment became a long time. "You know, maybe I do have a minute to spare."

And they somehow ended up in the barn really, really fast, doing something that was really, really wrong.

Imagine Stephen King's It meets The Village, and then you mix in a little bit of Emeril and the local news…

Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either, but that's what it was – a big, confusing mess of creepiness.

By the time they were done doing that, the cow that had been trapped in the barn, forced to watch them, had exploded. The narcoleptic farm dog had permanently lost its bark after peering in through the doorway as it went by – and then fell asleep. The other farmers, who had been working until they noticed what was going on in the barn, had all fallen into comas upon sight of them, laying in a pile outside of the other doorway.

"Wow, if all the girls in this town are like you…" Leon said as they came back outside, stepping over comatose villagers.

"Hahaha, you're so funny," Eleanor replied, "Now, it's time for you to go get the job done."

"I thought that's what we just did."

"No, I mean finding the person who disappeared, you silly goose."

"'Silly goose', who came up with that retarded metaphor?"

Eleanor just smiled, and gave him a hug. "I'll meet up with you soon. Be careful!"

Leon watched her walk away until she left his line of sight, and then turned to the Swiss Brown cow. "Swiss Brown, with your reddish-brown coat so bright, won't you haul my lazy ass around tonight?"

The cow pondered, and then mooed.

"Awesome," he said as he hopped onto the cow's back and they began to head for the farm exit. "We're going to be best friends. And I'll call you Geoffrey."

It mooed.

"Oh, you're a girl? Then how about 'mom'?"

The cow appeared to roll her eyes, and mooed a yes.

"What a nice trip so far. I met some creepy guys, I met some villagers, got a new girlfriend, and a new mom!"

Then they entered the next area. Up ahead on the path, there was another sign with skulls. This one read ' Bouldery-thingie Path of Death'.

"Huh, 'bouldery-thingie path of death'. That sounds like an Indiana Jones movie."

Just then, a group of villagers pushed a huge boulder off onto the path. It began to roll after them.

"Run, cow, run!"

The cow didn't have to run. Instead she climbed a tree.

"I didn't know cows could climb trees…"

The boulder whizzed by, and smashed into a million pieces when it came to a tunnel at the end of the path.

They began to head for the tunnel, ready to see what lie ahead.

"Hey, mom, could you get me a glass of milk?"

"Moo," the cow said, swinging her head and nailing him right in the leg with one of her horns.

"Okay, okay – I'll shut up now."

-------------

_Well, one thing we learned from this chapter is that there's apparently something rather nasty about people with the plagas getting it on. But I'll leave what to your imaginations._

_Eleanor, I know, a teensy weird sounding for a crazy Spanish chick, but I had that song so stuck in my head all night… And she'll probably have quite a role in this story. Just like the cow._

_One thing that always bothered me was 'are they cows, or bulls'? They didn't appear to have udders, but having nothing but bulls wouldn't make a lot of sense, either – unless they were all vegans and only used them for labor…_

_And that farm dog, what is up with that? It doesn't seem to actually have eyes, and on top of that, it runs away from you, begins sniffing the ground and then stops moving completely, like he's sleeping. Does the ground have the same properties of a poppy field?_

_That's it for this week – next time I'll cover more ground, and more will happen. I've got to be off now, so leave me a review, and let me know what you think!_


	5. The Killer Cow and Another ExCop

_Well, I'm back again with another chapter. This one might be sort of sucky – it was originally pretty good, but when I was halfway through the chapter, the computer deleted the file and I lost everything in the document (including two old stories) except for a few random sentences. So now I'm trying to piece the whole chapter together from memory… and my memory hasn't been terribly fantastic for the last two years._

_I swear, when we get the new computer, this one is going to get smashed into a trillion pieces. I hate it so much at this point, I don't even want to look at it anymore…_

_Anywho, enjoy some more of the adventure with our hero and his new mom._

_---------_

Chapter Five: The Killer Cow and Another Ex-Cop

Leon and "Mom" made their way into the short tunnel at the end of the path, being bombarded by bats that mysteriously exploded in a spray of blood and fur when he went to stab them.

They exited the tunnel, into an area mostly populated by trees. It was quiet. That is, until sticks of dynamite started getting thrown at them.

"Looks like we've got a challenge ahead of us, mom," Leon said.

"Moo."

They (well, mom actually) made a dash for the closest shack-like structure, next to which there were two villagers arguing over who was going to throw their dynamite first.

"It's my turn!"

"You already had yours! And besides, I'm older!"

"You idiot! That only works for siblings!"

"No, anyone can use that!"

"Well, you don't know anything about anything!"

"Oh yeah? You wouldn't know anything about anything if it bit you!"

"What? Anything, or what it's about?"

"Err… What it's about… No, anything… I don't know. Why were we arguing?"

They both looked down, realizing the fuses on their dynamite were getting short.

"That's what we were fighting about," they said in unison, right before getting blown up.

Mom questioned what the world was coming to with so many stupid people in it.

Leon stared at the spot where the two guys had been. "What were they so worked up about?"

The immediate threat gone, Leon looked around, spotting a tarantula-like spider on the wall. He had seen ones fifty times bigger than that in Raccoon City, and yet…

"AHH! Get it away, get it away!" He ran in circles around mom, who decided it was time to move on and kicked him in the stomach, right out of the shack.

"Ouch. Thanks for that," he said, getting up and walking into a beartrap. "AHH!"

When he just laid there holding his leg and screaming, Mom chose to leave him there for the moment, while she went to look around a little more. She followed the sound of dynamite to the nearby run-down house, and despite being a cow, somehow managed to climb through the open window into a room where there were three other villagers.

"It's the American! Wait, it's a cow…"

"Is that Charo?"

"Dumbass, I just said it was a cow!"

"Isn't that Bessie from the farm?"

"Yeah, it is. Why is she here?"

"And looking at us like that?"

"Oh crap, she's turned against us!"

"Why, Bessie, why? We always treated you the best of all the cows!"

She thought for a moment, and then trampled the three guys before looking around for anything useful. When she was done, she exited via the window, and went back to the shack, where Leon was still on the ground.

"AHH! AHH! AHH!"

Mom rolled her eyes, something she was beginning to do a lot it seemed, and pried the trap open.

"Thanks, mom!" Leon said, getting to his feet. "You're almost as nice as my real mom, except she can bake."

"Moo."

"You're right, we should go check out that house over there. It's a lot nicer than the other crap-shacks around here."

They went over to the said house and entered carefully. But although Leon may have entered carefully, he wasn't careful when he walked into the TNT line.

Mom helped him up and they continued into the next room that was cluttered with tons of dusty junk. There was a thumping sound somewhere nearby.

"Maybe there are rabbits in here somewhere?"

Leon nearly screamed when the bookcase he leaned against slid out of the way, revealing a doorway.

"A secret passage! Maybe it leads somewhere!"

Mom was seriously wondering at this point if this man even had a brain.

They followed the little path to another room that was full of useless furniture… And a shaking wardrobe.

"Hm, that wardrobe is having a seizure. Should I open it or not? To open the wardrobe, or not to open the wardrobe, that is the question."

Mom shoved him towards the thing. He spent about five minutes playing with his handgun, and positioning himself against the door next to the one he was going to open. Eventually.

After about another five minutes, he opened the door, and a Spanish guy in clothes that were like the old west meets the conquistadors fell out. He was tied up, with tape over his mouth.

"Eww, I didn't think I was going to get involved in some bizarre sex act while I was here!"

The guy gave him a funny look, while mom wondered if he'd already forgotten what he and Eleanor did in the barn.

The man tried to get free from the ropes, while the other two stared at him.

"Moo."

"'Untie him', but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of why he was tied up in the first place?"

Mom glared at him in a way only a cow could, and he nodded, pulling the tape off the guys face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?" Leon asked.

"You just stood there and stared at me!"

"Well, you looked busy."

"It's not what you're thinking!"

"Then what were you doing? Practicing a Houdini routine?"

"No, some crazy bastards did it, and then they shoved me in the wardrobe."

"Uh-huh," Leon replied, not believing him.

"Oh, great. The big cheese."

"Cheese? What kind?"

A Rasputin-like man the size of a giraffe had entered the doorway, and was glaring at them with his real eye.

"Holy freakin' cow!" Mom gave Leon a dirty look. "He looks like the hideous version of Captain Ron, but without the eye patch!"

The scene suddenly pauses, and Luis steps in front of the screen. "Why use a Captain Ron reference? Most young people have probably never even heard of that movie."

"Number one: Captain Ron rules. Number two: Shut up."

The scene resumes.

Mendez rolled his eye, his glass eye remaining eerily still. "Night-night."

Then he knocked Leon out.

A little while later…

"Feeble retard… I mean, human… And cow… Let us give you our powers."

"Uh, what?" Leon said, opening his eyes and looking around, but not seeing anyone.

"What the? You told me he was out cold!"

"He was! Until a second ago…"

"Oh no! I'm hearing things!" he said, still not finding the source of the voices.

"You idiot, I should stick the needle in you, instead!"

"Needle? Keep it away from me!" Leon got up and began running around the room, the chair still tied to him.

"Quick! Stick the needle in his neck!"

"No way, don't come near me!" he screamed, right before he ran into a wall and passed out again.

Some more time later…

Leon opened his eyes. "Where am I now? Hello?"

He began fidgeting around, and in the process elbowed both the Spanish guy and mom, who were tied to him.

"Moo!"

"Watch what your doing!"

"Oh, I'm tied to you? Hey, have you seen this blonde chick?"

"Uh… Shouldn't we introduce ourselves first?" the guy asked.

"I guess you're right… My name's Leon, weird Spanish guy. Now, have you seen the blonde chick or not?"

"Is she the President's daughter?"

"How'd you know that?"

"I'm psychic, if that's what you call hearing gossip in church."

"Anyway, weird psychic dude, I was a cop for a day during a virus outbreak, but now I'm a government agent, who's looking for the president's daughter… and I'm not sure why I'm telling you that – I just felt like it."

"Right…" the guy answered. "Well, my name is Luis. And I was a cop, too – but for way longer than a day, you lame-o."

"How long were you a cop for?"

"Two days," he replied proudly. "And I heard about that outbreak. I saw a sample of the virus at the station – right before poor Pepe smoked it."

"What happened to Pepe?"

"He turned into a giant marijuana plant, and then the other officers confiscated him. No one knows where he went after that."

Suddenly a creepy guy with an axe came in, and approached them menacingly. "Time to make some more barbecue…"

"Hi, terrifying axe murderer guy! What are you doing?" Leon greeted him.

"Leon, you want to learn a trick? When I say 'think fast', lean forward and then kick the axe guy."

"Okay."

"Leon, think fast!" Luis said when the guy when to chop them with the axe.

The axe sliced the ropes in half, freeing the three of them. Then Leon kicked the villager and he somehow flew through the air and landed on his head.

"Hooray, I learned a trick!"

Luis ran out of the building without another word, like he was being chased by a runaway mower.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Leon screamed after him.

"I'm late for a doctor's appointment!" came Luis' now distant voice.

"Oh, okay. So, mom, what should we do now? Mom?"

Mom was heading out the door already.

"Mom, wait up!"

As they were heading out of the room, a creepy-looking guy in black with a bandanna covering his mouth stopped by the window.

"Got something that may interest ya, Wonder Wuss," he said with a Cockney accent.

"'Wonder Wuss'?!" Leon shouted, "What is that supposed to mean?!"

The guy had already left the window.

He ran out of the house before mom could even catch up with him, looking around. "Where did that bastard go?"

Just as he went to round the corner of the house, Mom stopped him by grabbing his shirt in her mouth.

"Uh… What are you doing?"

"Moo."

"Don't beat him up? But he called me Wonder Wuss!"

"Moo," Mom said very seriously.

"Fine."

They continued on around back of the house, finding the guy, a merchant, standing there.

"'Ello, Wonder Wuss," said the Merchant.

"Deal's off, mom. You're going down!"

Mom stomped on his foot.

Leon hit the ground, screaming, again. "AHH! Why did you do that??"

"Moo."

"Okay, I'm sorry!" He got up, and glared at the Merchant. "I hate you already."

"Haha, I don't care. The only thing I care about is my weapon… And trying to forget that last job I had…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Want some weapons?"

"Err… Sure, why not?"

"Alright, let me just - " the Merchant ripped open his cloak. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to do something this morning.

"OH MY GOD! WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING CLOTHES UNDER THAT?!?"

Leon began running around hysterically, while mom didn't bother to look away.

"Oops. Knew I forgot something before I left home…"

-------

_Well, wasn't that just fun…_

_The next chapter, I think that I'll get back to those two cops… And write about yet another Dr. Salvador, yay!_

_I've got to be off now – I have a couple other things to finish, and it's after 2am._

_Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	6. Twister

_Sorry for the delay in updating – not only did I have a bit of writer's block, but I also have been sick and stressed out over a rather… disconcerting… problem involving a Marvel freak and a soldier. Anyway…_

_Hm. I'm not sure where this chapter will really go, but I'm working it out as I go along (and while I work on two other things). Which reminds me, since I plan to parody the entire series eventually, I'm also working on a parody of RE1, "The Class and the Sandwich". It's full of idiots, but it should be interesting. If you like this, do me a favor and read that._

_Also, thanks to everyone for the reviews so far – you've all been really kind, and I greatly appreciate that. _

_----------_

Chapter Six: Twister

"As long as gay cops stay connected."

- What I thought radio DJ said

The merchant had to run, saying that he would see him later when he put some clothes on, and after puking for fifteen minutes, Leon decided it was time to move on. Mom had been waiting impatiently.

"Let's go."

She had already gone to wait by the front door.

"Oh. Well, that works too."

They exited the walled-in area, looking out over a large gully, where there were numerous groups of villagers chilling out all over the place, having picnics. None of them noticed the American agent and the cow crisscrossing the paths and coming closer to where the pieces of that weird decoration were… Or maybe just the potato salad.

"Mmm, potato salad!" Leon said, walking up to a table next to the first of the little shacks, where a large bowl of potato salad was sitting. "Why is this here?"

Mom shrugged, which seemed impossible for a cow, but she pulled it off.

He looked around. "It doesn't seem to belong to anyone. Maybe I'll just take it…"

"Hey, that guy is taking our potato salad!" a villager shouted in Spanish, and another one punched him in the arm.

"Just let him take it. It was made with rancid mayonnaise."

Leon was really enjoying the potato salad, which he was shoveling into his face with his hand, while Mom wondered if he was half pig.

They walked into the nearby shack, and to their surprise, found the two Spanish cops that had driven Leon into the countryside… playing Twister.

"You perv, get your hand away from that!"

"How am I supposed to? It said to touch blue, and that's the nearest blue thing."

"You are _so_ funny."

"Um, hi?" Leon said, and the two cops fell into a heap on top of each other.

"What the – oh, it's you," the driver said, sitting up and pretending nothing happened. "Where have you been?"

"Around," he replied with his mouth full.

"What's with the cow?" the passenger asked.

"Oh, her? That's my new mom. Mom, meet the gay cops. Gay cops, meet Mom."

"I told you, we're not gay," the driver grumbled.

"Why are you here?"

"We're doing cop stuff," the passenger replied. "Like you'd know anything about that."

"Hey, I was a cop. I know all about doing cop stuff. And I learned everything I needed to know about being a cop from the _Police Academy_ movies."

The two cops exchanged looks.

"You are really sad. Go away."

"No, I want you to come with me."

"Why?"

"Err… Because."

"Fine, we'll come with you. But shut up," the driver said.

"Awesome," Leon said, sticking his hand in the potato salad and pulling out a slab of something hard. "What's this? Oh, it looks like some kind of seal, or ornament or something." He tossed it to the passenger cop, who gave it a whiff.

"Eww. Cowboy, I think that potato salad is rotting."

Leon just shrugged.

So the four of them set off together, having a rather uneventful trip through a building that seemed to be the village version of a Home Depot, but with bear traps. They eventually found themselves outside of a somewhat nice, although still crappy-looking house.

"We're going to wait here," the driver said.

"Why?"

"We feel like it. Get going."

Mom's cow sense was tingling. "Moo."

"You too, Mom? Okay."

Leon continued up the front stairs, to a door where there was a glass orb with a design in it. "This must open the door somehow."

He stared at it, pondering how it could possibly work. "I got it!"

He smashed the orb with a rock, reaching his arm through the hole and unlocking the door. "Ha! That couldn't have been easier!"

He found himself in a bedroom, and a rather nice one for such a nasty little town, and began picking through the owner's personal belongings.

"What's in here?" he asked, opening a wardrobe and finding… a giant pair of underwear.

He stared at them. And then put them on his head.

"Yay, I have a hat now!"

He approached the door on the other side of the bed, hearing voices in the next room.

Thinking nothing of it, he strolled inside, suddenly getting caught in a death grip.

"Yo, son. Wuzzup?" said a giant with a hideous glass eye, who was in the process of permanently crushing the American's windpipe.

"Not much, dawg," Leon choked. "Hey, wanna hear a song?"

Mendez was sort of bored, so he set Leon down.

Leon, recovering (just a little faster than a normal human) from being strangled, began to dance around. "Happy Nation, living in a happy nation, where the people understand and dream of perfect… Uh, line…" he trailed off, and then continued from the next part. "Situation leading to a sweet salvation, for the people, for the good, for mecha lecha hi mecha - "

Mendez punched him in the face. "It's 'mankind brotherhood'! I'm not even into pop and I know the words to that song!"

Then out of nowhere, he changed the subject. "Ah, I see you have the same blood as us."

"'Crud-ass what's'?" Leon asked, horribly mishearing that statement, and the giant didn't reply, exiting through the door the American had come through.

Leon, being the dork he was, decided to follow him. Next thing he knew, he was on the floor, with a foot the size of Godzilla's on his chest. And as if it wasn't bad enough he was about to die from suffocation, he just had to waste his only oxygen.

"I … am barely breathing… And I can't find… the air… Don't know who… I'm kidding… Imagining you'd… care."

Suddenly the giant got shot in the back by someone just outside the window, and decided that lunging out of the second story like he was committing suicide was the way to go.

Leon got up, looking out the window. "Woman in red… Why does that seem familiar? Oh, I know – _Pretty Woman_!"

Then he looked down at his chest, where there was a huge boot print. "I wonder where he found his clown boots…"

-----------

_Yeah, I know – this chapter was short, and didn't really get much of anywhere. I was determined to update it this week, but I really didn't get much time to work. And I ran out of ideas… If every story has a bad chapter – I guess this is the one. The next chapter will be longer and better – because I won't be sick, or have a lot on my mind… or be typing at 6am. And hopefully, I'll have some ideas. Actually, if anyone wants to suggest anything, that might give me some inspiration. And I'll be getting back to Ashley and Saddler shortly. I meant to do it last time, but I didn't get to._

_Well, until next time, when I do a better job. Leave me a review and let me know what you thought!_


	7. How Not to Translate Spanish

_The last chapter was inexcusably terrible in my opinion, so I'm sorry about the serious crappiness of that installment… This chapter will be way better – as well as more thought out. I'm also taking the week off from updating 'The Class and the Sandwich' to work on this specifically, so it should be better since I'm focusing all my energy into this._

_Ah, well, time for me to get to work. I have a vague idea for where this chapter is going, and it's extremely stupid in my head, so it'll probably be even more so on paper… Err… Fake paper…_

_In this chapter, the end of the world… Not really. Well, maybe – it depends on how you look at the events of the first part. We also get to see some weird stuff, Leon misinterpret Spanish and learn the cops' names._

------------------

Chapter Seven: How Not to Translate Spanish

In Saddler's place…

"It's blue, it's blue!" Ashley was shouting excitedly, dancing around the bathroom.

"What's blue?" Saddler asked groggily, having just been awakened by her overly happy shrieking.

"The little line on my pregnancy test! Ossie, we're going to have a family!"

"That's nice," he replied, closing his eyes to go to sleep. "Wait a minute, we are??"

"Oh, I'm so happy!" she proclaimed, running around the room.

"Wow, I didn't know people with plagas could actually get anyone pregnant," he said contemplatively, then suddenly smiling. "Fear me, world! I can father children!"

"Do you think the whole 'you having a plaga' thing would affect the pregnancy in any way? Maybe I should go see a doctor…"

"Oh, come on. You're just having some of that 'pre-partum paranoia' stuff. There's nothing to worry about."

"I don't know," Ashley said cautiously, "It might be better to see a doctor, anyway. Just to make sure everything is in order."

"There really aren't many doctors around here… Except…"

"Except?"

"I know someone. Let's go."

Meanwhile, back in Mendez' house…

Leon wandered down the stairs and into a dining room… Where the passenger cop seemed to be passed out on the table, next to which the driver and Mom were standing.

"Err… How did you guys… And girl… Get in here?"

"We walked up over the hill and came in the back door."

"And, uh, what's wrong with him?"

"We're not sure. He saw a spider and freaked out," the driver replied, looking his companion over, "We tried a lot of stuff, but he won't wake up."

"Did you try shaking him?"

"Yes."

"Screaming in his face?"

"Yes."

"Hitting him in the head with something heavy?"

"Yes."

Leon thought carefully for a moment. "Did you try the Sleeping Beauty thing?"

"You mean kiss him? No, I haven't cured my …" he trailed off, considering his words. "… I mean, I don't do that."

"How about you, Mom?"

Mom gave him a dirty look.

"You do it," the driver said resolutely, "You're being upgraded from Cowboy to Cowgirl – that means it's your job to wake him up."

"Hooray, I'm a Cowgirl!" Leon said happily. "Although, I really don't want to do that…"

"I dare you. No wait, I double-dog-dare you," the cop said with a laugh, and the agent shrugged.

"Well, if I'm being dared."

He went over to the unconscious cop and quickly kissed him, before running to the nearby bathroom. There was a villager inside, taking a whiz, and he didn't seem to be so thrilled by being interrupted.

"What are you doing?! I'm using the bathroom!" he shouted in Spanish. Leon puked on him. "What the hell, man?? Do you normally go around puking on people? You should go to a doctor. There's one that lives not far from here, in the place that used to be the Hot Dog Shack. He's sort of a butcher, but he can cure anything."

He stared at the villager, having not understood anything except 'I'm doing the hot dog butcher'. "Um… I don't know what you're getting at, but I really don't think I want to know."

The villager continued. "I'm serious, go see this guy. He can fix you up so you don't go puking on strangers taking a piss anymore." He handed him a business card.

Leon was confused. He wasn't sure what the man had meant by 'I'm seriously a guy puking piss'. "… I'm leaving now."

"Go see that doctor! He'll take good care of you and you'll feel way better!"

"'Go see Doctor Feel Good'?" Leon asked himself, leaving the bathroom, and looking at the card. It had a picture of a man with a burlap sack on his head and a chainsaw on it, and read: 'Dr. Salvador – If you've got a medical problem, I have a solution for that! 666 Trashy Farm Road, Pueblo.' "Huh. I wonder if he's related to the guy in my attaché case…"

The cop who had been unconscious was now sitting up, rubbing his head. "Why does my head hurt? And my mouth taste like bad mayo?"

"Uh… Never mind that," his coworker said, then noticing Leon. "Hey, you okay there, Cowgirl?"

"Yup," Leon replied, "Except I don't get any of the people in this country. It's like their speaking another language or something."

"… You're an idiot."

The government agent suddenly realized something. "I never caught either of your names."

"I'm Dri V. Er," the driver replied.

"And I'm Pas Sen Ger," the passenger said.

"Uh… huh… Now I really don't get this country. Ooh, a kitchen!" he said, completely going off subject and running into the closet-sized kitchen. "Aww, it's such a cute kitchen! I bet Julia Childs would love this place!"

The two cops and Mom exchanged funny looks.

"Maybe we should get going?" suggested Pas, and a rolling pin suddenly flew at his head.

"Sorry! I'm trying to make an omelet with this egg that was in the oven!"

"We don't have time for that," Dri snapped.

"All done," Leon said, coming back up to them with a plate that was almost bowl-like, full of what appeared to be one runny mess of an egg. "Want some?"

"No thanks," they replied in unison, with Mom adding a moo.

"Suit yourselves. Mmm."

Pas was about to vomit, and Dri just pretended he wasn't trapped here with a complete retard that would eat anything.

"Let's get out of here. This place creeps me out. And that music isn't helping," Dri grumbled. Indeed, there was techno music coming from somewhere, but where they couldn't tell. And creepier than that was the fact that there were voices in the background, speaking Simish.

The four of them piled out the nearest door, and were greeted by the sound of a chainsaw revving nearby.

"Not again!" Pas shouted as Dr. Salvador came running up the path.

"Oh, hey. That's the Doctor guy," Leon said, beginning to flag him down. "Doctor!"

The chainsaw-toting man stopped, looking at them a little weird.

"Doctor, this guy in the house gave me your card. I think he wanted me to see you."

Dr. S tapped a finger against his burlap-covered chin. Then he waved for them to follow.

They warily followed the scary man to a small stone house a little ways into the woods, surrounded by a dead garden. The area was rather eerie and foreboding, but the house itself seemed relatively cozy with smoke emerging from the chimney and rising into the barren treetops.

He led them inside, to where a woman in a brown dress was preparing something nasty smelling.

"Sal, what are you doing home so early?" she asked, and he pointed to Leon, muttering something. "Oh, you've got a patient. Hola, my name is - "

"Dora the Explorer?" Dri asked sarcastically, and she rolled her eyes.

"No. Delores."

"Delores? Are you related to Eleanor?" Leon asked.

"Eleanor? Are you that guy she did in the barn?"

"Yeah."

She immediately took on a sweet tone. "Nice to meet you. Welcome to our home. If you'll take a seat on that table over there, my husband will look at you in a minute."

Leon seated himself on the cold steel table against the wall, watching her work, while the two cops and mom (somehow) sat on the couch opposite him.

The doctor eventually rejoined them, and began looking him over. And poking him with a huge Q-tip.

"Seems like there's nothing physically wrong with you. It must be that you're stupid," he said in Spanish. "I would say you should probably avoid doing much of anything, and maybe consider living under constant supervision so that you don't kill yourself. Marry my sister-in-law, that would work out great."

"Did he say that I'm physically stupid, should avoid living and kill myself? And that I should marry him?" Leon looked disturbed.

"No, he said… Forget it," Pas replied, losing interest in translating.

"Anyone want Cream of Root and Skin soup?"

"Sounds great!" Leon said, and the others were already out the door, before the hostess could even react.

"I guess your friends are in a hurry to leave. Here, have a bowl of soup for the road. If you need anything, feel free to drop in. Maybe we'll bump into each other again soon."

"Thanks, and bye!" he said, running out to catch up with the others on their hike back to the path where they'd started.

"He was nice. I think him and Eleanor make a good pair," Delores said to her husband, who was watching them walk away through the window.

"I don't think it will last – if he marries into this family, he has to take up the business, and he probably doesn't have what it takes to become a chainsaw maniac."

A little while later…

The door of the small stone house opened, flooding the room with cool air, and a familiar purple-robed person entered with a smile. "Dr. Salvador?"

"Ah, my Lord, what brings you to our humble home?"

"More like a dirt-hole," Saddler replied wittily, and the two laughed. "My future wife wants a physical, because she just got pregnant."

"Way to go, ooh ooh!" Dr. S said, doing a retarded dance right before Ashley came in.

"This is Ashley."

"Welcome," he greeted genially, although he was secretly gagging at how her ears looked like Sloth's in _The Goonies_.

"Something smells like milk and rotting hamburgers," she said, sniffing the air.

"That would be my dear wife's cooking. She basically just tosses everything around into a pot and cooks it."

The two men laughed, and a chainsaw came flying through the air, almost taking Dr. S's head off.

"I can hear you," Delores grumbled from the kitchen.

"Maybe I should start the examination," Dr. S said, closing the front door and wandering off for a moment.

Saddler had Ashley sit down on the steel table before the doctor came back.

"Okay, let's see. Blood pressure, pulse…" Dr. S was saying to himself.

"I'm cold," Ashley whined.

"Delores! Add more wood to the fire!"

He continued checking vital signs and all whatnot.

She shivered.

"More wood in the fire!"

"I can't put anymore in there."

"Find a way! … She's in perfect health, as far as I can tell. Anything else you need?"

Saddler pondered for a moment. "Yeah. Can you get what's-his-face that injects the plagas into people to stop by and do the thing?"

"Of course. Pedro!"

An extremely pale guy in black robes with a freaky smile came running down the stairs.

"Pedro, we need you to 'do the thing' to her," then turning to Saddler, he added, "Pedro's staying with us because he accidentally set his house on fire."

Pedro set to work, injecting Ashley with the plaga, using a 20-gauge needle he had in his pocket for some reason.

"Is it just me, or is this house really cold?" Ashley asked.

"Delores, for the last time, build the fire up!" Dr. S shouted.

"Pedro, come here and help me," she called back, and the creepy pale dude ran into the kitchen once he'd finished his job. Then there was an explosion. "There, ya happy?! The woodstove is on fire now!"

Saddler and Dr. S looked at each other. "I hope when I get married, it's a little less disturbing than this."

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_That's the end of this chapter. In case anyone really wonders, I believe 'Dr. Feel Good' is the name of a horror movie – and according to my one friend, apparently a porno, too._

_That 'techno music/Simish' thing was sort of random, yes. I was listening to a techno song from one of The Sims games, which I did an RE4 music video for a long time ago that had a scene from Mendez's house. So it was pretty much by force of association that I wrote that._

_Ah, Ashley is carrying Saddler's offspring. I actually have a rather scary idea for how that's going to turn out, but you'll have to wait and find out what it is when I write it._

_Well, you know what to do. I'll be back soon, so in the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you thought!_


	8. Pregnancy Party

_New chapter for everybody, yay! Well… I'm rather enthusiastic. Not sure why, because I'm about to blow, probably, a lot of money on clothes shopping… Because I'm tired of having more black tees than anything else. No offense to anybody who lives for black T-shirts, I just need some more colorful clothes. My wardrobe is over-populated by old things from when I was once a goth, a very long time ago , and I need something new that reflects my odd style… Like a punk trapped in a high-end museum where they're filming a rap video and Kurt Kobain is practically a god… Yeah, even I don't get me. _

_Lemme see, I really have no idea what I'm going to write about (but when do I ever?). I've been obsessively watching old episodes of 12 oz Mouse and now that's all I can think about… Well, almost all I can think about, anyway. Okay, let us see where this goes – it's going to be a bit short, because I started it at 1:30am… And these repeated commercials for "The Office" are getting on my nerves. I'm still creeped out that show takes place only an hour from where I live…_

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Chapter Eight: Pregnancy Party

Back in town…

The group had reentered the little town of Pueblo, where they heard what sounded a bit like a party somewhere very close by. They couldn't see anyone, but they sure as hell could hear them.

"What is all that racket?" Dri complained, looking over the town, towards a barn behind them that didn't seem to have an entrance.

"Sounds like some kind of shindig," answered Pas, inching closer to his co-worker nervously.

"I wonder what they're celebrating," Leon wondered aloud, and Mom mooed, tossing her head in the direction of a giant white banner hanging from the tower that read 'Rejoice for the Lord's offspring! … And kill that American guy… Band will play at 7.'

"Huh. I wonder what that's all about," Dri said, and Mom gave a somber moo in agreement.

"I don't get it. They want to 'kill the band Offspring'?" Leon questioned, scratching his head.

"You moron, would you buy a Spanish dictionary or something??" Pas grumbled, and suddenly a villager walked out of the nearest house, wearing numerous leis and eating a whole pineapple. "Mommy!" Pas shrieked, taking Dri's arm in a death grip.

The villager completely ignored them, heading for the barn and disappearing around back.

"Maybe he didn't see us. Maybe we're invisible!" Leon proclaimed, and Dri nearly punched him.

"He probably just didn't care, who the hell would? With you in charge, we have to be the least threatening bunch ever!"

"So, what's your point?"

"I give up," Dri shook his head, and pried Pas off of himself, "Let's just get out of here already."

"Okay," Leon replied enthusiastically, pulling out a key. "I found this dirt-encrusted key with this funny shape on it. What do you think it goes to?"

"I would assume that door over there, since it has the same insignia," Pas suggested.

So they headed for the insignia door. Inside, they found lots of boxes and random things. Including a trapdoor.

"I guess we have to go this way. How will you get down there, Mom?" the government agent said, looking into the tunnel below.

Mom shrugged, as only a cow could know how.

"I have an idea."

A few minutes later…

"Okay, Mom! Jump down!" Leon shouted up to the cow, and she suddenly fell through the hole, dog piling the two cops.

"Hey! You didn't tell us we were going to be crushed by a cow!" Dri shouted, and he just shrugged.

"Well, I knew if I did, you wouldn't stand still."

"Maybe this guy is a little smarter than we give him credit for," Pas murmured, trying to pull himself out from under the thousand pound creature.

Back in Saddler's Place…

"Ossie, honey, I'm really, really in the mood for watermelon," called Ashley as he passed through the sitting room, where she was relaxing in a chair.

He took one glance at her, and nearly had a heart attack. "Wait… What happened? Did you stuff a pillow under your shirt or something ?"

Indeed, Ashley seemed… bigger.

"I don't know. One minute I was normal, and the next, this."

"Um… Maybe we should get a second doctor's opinion."

"And maybe you should shut up and get me that freakin' watermelon. Oh, God! I'm so fat!" she screamed, her mood changing completely.

"Mood swings, too? This must be the fastest pregnancy ever, or something…"

"Come on, I'm really hungry here."

"Okay, okay, I'll have someone get you a watermelon."

"Wait. On second thought, make that a watermelon drenched in tobasco sauce. With a side of jalapeños stuffed with cheddar, dipped in chocolate and covered in jellybeans."

"Err… Eww. That's seriously nasty. But okay, whatever you want, sweetie."

Back in the tunnel…

After the cops had recovered from being squashed, the group continued through the underground passage, until they came across everybody's friend, the Merchant.

"Are you wearing clothes under that, this time?" Leon asked cautiously, as he entered the room.

"You betcha by golly, stranger."

"Um, was that whole spiel necessary? Couldn't you just say 'yes'?"

"No."

"No, you're not wearing clothes, or no, you couldn't say yes?"

"This is going to take a long time, isn't it, stranger?"

------------

_Well, I need to go to sleep. I'm already halfway there, actually…_

_The next chapter will be longer, I promise – next time, I won't spend just one night working on it and I'll probably be more inspired. Oh well, all stories have a really short chapter somewhere._

_Anyway, I'm off. I'll be back with another chapter soon. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	9. Crows from the Twilight Zone

_Wow, it's been a while since I updated this… Sorry for the long break, I was just really depressed on and off for the last month and not terribly motivated to do much of anything, except type to take my mind off what's bothering me. So far it really hasn't helped all that much. Plus I kept getting sick somehow…And I just didn't get around to working on this until now. _

_Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I haven't really put any thought into it since my mind's been tied up with other stuff, so I'm going to start writing and see where I end up – and hopefully not get sidetracked again, because I just spent a long period of time screwing around with old "Conker's Bad Fur Day" screenshots. Before that, I got sidetracked checking to see how much snow is on the deck, because it was our first snowfall of the season – it usually doesn't snow in my town until December, why I don't know. We're usually the last town in this area to get snow for some reason._

_---------_

Chapter Nine: Crows from the Twilight Zone

Our not-quite heroes followed the tunnel (after Leon got fed up with the Merchant, punched him in the face and got sat on by Mom) to a ladder where they all climbed up to the surface, including the cow. Hey, if she can climb trees, why not ladders?

"Wait, hold on," Leon said, looking around erratically. "We were only underground for two minutes, and this place isn't very far from Pueblo. Why is it so dark and cloudy here?"

"I don't know. To set the mood?" Pas suggested.

"For what?" Leon asked, giving him a sideways glance.

"Well… Maybe there's a bunch of people hanging around waiting to kill us."

"How optimistic," Dri murmured, heading up the path.

"Wait up!" the other two men called after him, running to catch up, while Mom took her time, trotting behind.

They came to the end of the path, looking up an incline covered with headstones that sat in front of a church. A few crows sat nearby, cawing to each other. Leon walked up to them and began to chat.

"Hi, Mr. Crow. You look particularly well-groomed for a lice-carrying, winged garbage disposal."

The crow eyed him, and then hopped onto his shoulder.

"Guys, check it out! I'm the Scarecrow from _The Wizard of Oz_!"

The two cops watched in a disturbed manner as Leon began to do the Scarecrow dance.

"If I only had a brain," he said, right before the three crows attacked him. "What are they doing?! I'm not a deer carcass!"

"Maybe not, but he's definitely road kill," Dri joked, and he and Pas began laughing hysterically, while Mom just sighed exasperatedly. What the hell was wrong with these three humans?

"Hey, are you going to see the wizard to fix that straw-filled head of yours?" Pas called, and the two cops hit the ground laughing uncontrollably.

"Die, crow, die!" Leon shouted, punching the crows out of the air.

They were all so busy that they didn't notice a small posse of villagers watching casually from the small graveyard, leaning on headstones.

"What a bunch of idiots," the woman said, picking her teeth with her chef's knife.

"No kidding. Why do we even bother with them?" one of the men asked, picking through his pockets. "I'm pretty sure they're no threat to the Lord's plans. I mean, look at them."

The government agent was now trying to strangle a crow, while the two cops were rolling around on the ground and the cow seemed frustrated.

"Weren't you one of the guys who was supposed to catch and brutally murder the cops?" another man questioned the first, idly scratching his head with a pickaxe.

"No, I was the guy who stole that Luis dude's last pack of cigarettes. I wonder if he noticed that they're missing yet," the guy answered, finally finding the cigarettes and pulling one out.

Meanwhile…

Luis was on the run from a group of villagers hell-bent on killing him, when he decided to stop for a moment and search his pockets, finding nothing. "Damn it! Where did my smokes go?"

Back at the church…

"Hey, give me a light," the guy with the cigarette said, and the man with the pitchfork pulled out a stick of dynamite and then spent ten minutes cracking two rocks together until a spark lit the fuse. He then stood up and used the fuse to light the cigarette. "Was all that necessary? I thought you had a lighter."

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about that."

"So… What do we do with the dynamite?"

"Uh…" he stared at it, watching the fuse get shorter. "Throw it?"

"Sounds logical," the woman concurred.

The guy randomly threw the dynamite, and it hit the church bell, bouncing off, hitting the ground and rolling down the hill, right to Leon who was now being pecked by crows again. He sat up and looked at it, completely ignoring the birds. "Is that some kind of a candle?"

Then it exploded, killing the three birds and covering the government agent with a mixture of residue and bird guts. "Ouch… That hurt… A lot."

"Hold on," Dri said, being the most rational of the group (in his mind, anyway), "What are the odds of dynamite not killing, or at least horribly maiming someone right next to it when it goes off?"

"You're right. That's either some seriously weak dynamite, or we're in some very messed up part of the world. Maybe there's a Twilight Zone thing going on here," Pas said, looking around like Rod Serling was about to walk up to them and do a monologue.

"Yay, money!" Leon said, finally getting up and finding money scattered around the dead crows. "And ammo!"

"Why would crows have money and boxes of ammo?"

"You're right, Pas. We ARE in the Twilight Zone."

Mom mooed in agreement, already knowing how weird this area was since she'd lived here her whole life.

"Check it out, guys. Those people are standing around staring at us," Leon said, pointing to the people in the graveyard, still leaning on headstones nonchalantly. "Maybe if we pretend they're not there, they won't attack us."

"They don't really seem to care anyway. I think they're on a smoke break…" Dri replied, observing them in a slightly disturbed manner.

Indeed, they were just standing there, watching them intently and smoking.

"A double grave? I guess twins are buried here," Leon said, studying a double headstone nearby. "What a funny symbol… You suppose all the families have their own insignia?"

"Who cares?" Pas answered.

"There are a lot of twins buried in this place. Do these people murder twins, or something?"

The two cops exchanged funny looks. "Let's get going," they said in unison.

The group headed up the inclined path beside the graveyard, the group of villagers watching them, but not making a move. They came to the church doors, and Leon attempted to open them, but they were locked. Suddenly, his annoying communicator beeped.

"Leon, where are you?" Hunnigan asked, now using Google Earth to try to find his location.

"Aren't you supposed to check in a little more often?" Leon asked, poking the door.

"I was busy," she said simply. "Now where are you, jerk-off?"

"The church. But the door's locked and I can't get in."

"Isn't that normally the case when someone doesn't have the key to a locked door? Anyway, pick the lock. You did learn how to do that, right?"

And before he could respond, she hung up.

"Who was that?" Pas asked.

"… I don't remember…" Leon trailed off, staring into oblivion as he tried to recall who she was. Then he gave up. "Let's see what other things are around here."

They wandered around back, finding a stone podium-like structure with a bunch of insignias, a dial and a metal grate covering a lovely green cat's-eye.

"Ooh, pretty," Leon said, "How do you work this thing?"

He began randomly turning the dial. "I don't get it."

"I believe you're supposed to light up the insignias of the twins buried in the graveyard," Dri murmured.

"I don't have time for that," Leon whined. "I've got it! Mom, kick this thing."

She glared at him.

"Oh, right… Please?"

She kicked the thing, knocking it over and disabling it. Leon pried the grate open and pocketed the stone. "None of their fancy-shmansy puzzles can stump me."

They all just stared at him.

"What?"

"Nothing," Pas said, trying to act innocent. "Maybe we should see what's beyond that bridge down there."

"Okay, to the bridge we go!" Leon exclaimed happily, running down to the bridge.

The trip across the bridge was rather uneventful (with the exception of all four of them nearly falling through the gaps in the planks) since all of the villagers were on break.

They eventually found themselves walking into a large corral-like structure, where a bunch of crows were hanging out, cawing.

"Cool, look at the big group of crows!"

"It's called a 'murder' of crows," Dri explained.

"Why? Because they murder people in large groups? Or because it's murder to be around that many squawking crows?"

"I don't know. It just is."

"Why?"

"Shut up."

"I'm going to kill them and see if they're carrying anything."

Leon took out his handgun and randomly began firing at the birds, missing completely and causing them to fly away.

"Can we please leave?" Pas asked, shifting uneasily at the growling sound coming from somewhere nearby.

"No. All of those crows are going down one way or another."

And so, for the next hour, Leon waited for the crows to fly over one by one and shot them down… one by one.

"Where are we?" Dri complained, watching Leon pick up money from the crows corpses and then go back to shooting.

"Spain," replied Pas.

"No, no, I mean this place is very disturbing. Those weird villagers, crows carrying cash; what the hell, man?"

"Maybe we're in Imagination Land."

Dri stared at Pas for a long time. "You're beginning to sound a lot like Dorko over there."

"Hooray!" Leon shouted, throwing dead crows in the air like confetti. "I'm on my way to becoming a billionaire! I've already got $37!"

-----------

_Well, that was fairly strange. Seriously, though, even for a game, it's a little weird when killing crows gets you money and ammo – that's like something from the "Night Gallery" there. But then, I always did wonder where the randomly placed items came from, and why documents are left in the weirdest places, and why things like headdresses are stuck in ceilings…The RE universe is a very odd one._

_Okay, I've got to be off to bed now after I check the snow amount again. I've been getting less and less sleep Saturday mornings the last month or so…I need to finish typing earlier._

_I should be back sometime soon – hopefully, it won't take me so long to update this again! Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	10. The Church Riot

_I've been wanting to work on this for a while, but I didn't really write much for a few weeks there. Lack of motivation and excessive distractions, I guess. I was planning on updating before Christmas, but I spent the Friday before working on "The Substitutes" all night and laughing about Garth Marenghi's Darkplace. Now I'm taking the week off from that to update this. Granted, the chapter might be sort of sucky. I'm not terribly inspired to work, and I need to go to bed early tonight, so I've got to make this a quick one. Enjoy!_

_-----------_

Chapter Ten: The Church Riot

Leon, being the disgusting, walking-disease-bag sort of person he is, had made a necklace out of the dead crows and was wearing it around his neck with pride.

The two cops avoided him like the plague, afraid that they were going to catch Avian flu, or something. In their case, I'd be more worried about the diseases Leon could _already_ be carrying.

They passed through an exit at the end of the corral-like structure, and found themselves facing two different sets of doors.

"Eenie meenie minie - " Leon started, getting cut off by Dri.

"Logic would dictate that we check the paths out in chronological order."

Leon stared at him blankly. "…Meaning?"

"We take each set of doors in order."

"… … Also meaning?"

"We take the blue doors first, because they're closest to us."

He shrugged, still not getting it. "Whatever you say, Einstein."

They went through the blue doors and ended up in an underground cavern with a dock. Leon immediately ran over to the water happily, and for no apparent reason, except maybe some secret bloodlust, began shooting all the fish swimming in the river. "I bet all these fish got here by being flushed down toilets."

The two cops, deciding it would make more sense to look around without him, walked over to the Merchant's stand, aptly named "Pueblo's Only Artillery Mini-Mart".

They looked at the vast amount of weapons lining the walls of his little stand.

"Where in the hell did you get all this stuff?" Pas asked.

"That's a bit of a personal question, stranger," the Merchant replied with a sly expression.

Dri studied a rocket launcher suspiciously. "You know, a lot of drug runners get stuff like this from the black market. What are you selling, man? Meth, coke?"

"No, I specialize in selling LSD."

The three of them stared at each other for a long time.

"What're ya buying?"

"What do you have that costs $37?" Pas asked, and the Merchant laughed.

"Stranger, you can't be serious."

Dri grabbed a rifle and shot the Merchant in the crotch, who promptly died… Or at least seemed to die.

"Quick, let's loot the place."

"I don't think so, stranger." The Merchant was now standing behind them, aiming a rocket launcher. "You try that again, and you won't like me."

"Okay, okay, fine. We'll buy our weapons like normal people who don't do background checks or give any forms of ID," Dri murmured, pushing past him to go get the idiot and leave.

"I don't like him _now_," Pas said under his breath.

They found Leon now threading dead fish onto a rope, making another disgusting necklace.

"What is wrong with you? Why do you keep wearing dead things??" Dri asked incredulously.

"It keeps away the radioactive mutant goblins," Leon replied, and they stared.

"I don't want to know what dimension you came from."

"Earth. Oh wait, that's a planet…"

"Yeah, obviously one that you're not from," Pas answered.

"Then what planet am I from?" Leon asked, and a stupid smile spread across his face. "Krypton! That means I'm Superman!"

"We're leaving," the cops said in unison and Mom mooed in agreement, rather amazed by how stupid a human being could possibly be.

"Wait, don't leave me down here!"

A few minutes later (although it felt like hours), the group had gone through the other doors and was wandering down a long incline between two cliffs. It was eerily silent, but given the fact that everything in this particular part of Spain was creepy, the four didn't notice. Incredible.

Up on the cliff…

Three villagers were watching the two cops, the government agent and the bovine defector stroll along casually.

"It's time," said the old man, starting to push the boulder. It didn't budge. "Why isn't it… HEY! Why aren't you pushing?!"

The one, polishing a pitchfork, looked up. "You didn't say to start pushing. You only said 'its time'."

"Well, I figured you would know what that would mean. Come on!"

The two pushed, and it still didn't move.

They both glared in the direction of the third guy, who was watching episodes of _Hamtaro_ on YouTube. "… All of your dreams will come true. Come on and sing this secret spell, it's just for you! Think of all the love we'll bring…"

"Jackass, put down the iPhone and get your ass over here!"

"But – fine." He begrudgingly set it down and began pushing on the boulder with them.

It finally rolled off the cliff, landing with a thud below before rolling down the path and crashing into a rocky wall.

"Damn it! We missed them!"

The guy with the iPhone shrugged innocently. "Don't look at me."

At the end of the path…

There was a loud scream as a villager was thrown off the cliff behind them, which the four ignored. They found themselves in front of a couple long docks intersecting a swamp.

"I'm scared," Leon said, looking around the ominously-devoid-of-life swamp.

"Go to hell," Dri said, and a villager came running at them.

"Run! Esteban put dynamite everywhere and if you don't go you'll get blown apart like cookie in a tornado! I'm gone!" he was screaming, waving his arms wildly.

"Did he say 'Run because Esteban is everywhere and I'm going blow you like a cookie'?" Leon asked, eyebrows raised so high they seemed to have disappeared.

The villager stopped when he got up to them, and grabbed Leon by the arms, shaking him. "You're going to die in an explosion of blood and guts!"

"Let go of me, freak! I'm not 'going to fly in an implosion of floods and nuts'!" Leon shouted, shoving the guy so hard he stumbled backwards into a dynamite line blocking the path and exploded.

"That wasn't even remotely close to what he said," Pas complained, but the government agent wasn't listening. He was already heading for the small shack at the end of the first dock.

When the others joined him (Mom standing safely to the side of the doorway, certain something bad was about to happen), he was peering up at something on a shelf.

"AHH!" Dri screamed like a little girl, "IT'S A SNAKE!"

Pas looked at him funny. "Of all the terrifying things we've seen in this weird place, a snake scares you?"

Leon was playing with it. "Poke. Poke. Poke, poke, poke. Poke, poke, poke. Double poke!"

Dri watched in horror as Leon poked the snake repeatedly in the head. "Leave it alone, moron!"

"Why?" This time when Leon poked the snake, it grabbed his hand in its jaws. "Oh, fuck! Get off, you bastard!"

He began waving his hand around crazily, trying to shake it off, and when that didn't work he decided to punch it. The only problem with that scenario was that, since it was hanging onto him, his fist wasn't about to collide with it… Instead, his fist collided with Dri's face.

Dri hit the dock, while the snake let go of Leon's hand. And landed right on his chest.

Rubbing his nose, Dri picked his head up and spotted the snake on him. "AHH!"

"Hold on, man! I'll get it off!" Leon went to kick the snake off, and kicked the cop in the ribs instead. The snake slithered off into the water, agitated by the whole experience.

Mom shook her head, mooing in exasperation.

"I hate you!" Dri wheezed, trying to catch his breath.

"Seriously? I really like you. And I'm glad I'm not alone in this freaky place," Leon said, trying to make the angry cop feel better.

"I want to go home. Can we just get this over with?" Dri whined.

"Sure. When we complete my mission, can we reenact the end of Star Wars, where that song plays and Han Solo goes around hugging everyone?"

Dri and Pas exchanged looks. "No."

"Well, at least Furby likes the idea." Leon suddenly pulled out a Furby. "Hi, Furby!"

"Party pants!" Furby exclaimed.

"Why does he still call me that??"

Meanwhile, at the church…

Saddler had taken Ashley to the church to show her around the place where people came to worship him... And were presently doing so as he talked. At the moment, though, Ashley seemed to be more interested in taking a load off her feet and stuffing her face with whole habanero peppers, while the churchgoers eyed her uneasily from the other pews.

"Isn't it great? Now picture the entire world with churches like this in every town!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"And you're the one who will make it happen. I love you, my darling," Saddler said, getting all mushy even though his followers were listening.

"Look, I'm trying to eat here," she grumbled.

"Are you okay? You've been acting a little weird."

"Weird? WEIRD?!" Ashley threw the basket of peppers across the room. "I'll show you weird!"

She got up and began running for him, like a football player on crack, pushing followers out of the way and maiming many of them.

"Oh boy." Saddler ran around the room, managing to dodge her by jumping the pews like hurdles and bolting for the ladder, while villagers tried to stop her and got thrown violently into the altar.

He was about halfway up the ladder when a hand grabbed his foot. "Am I acting weird now?!"

He shrieked, kicking his wife-to-be in the face, and scrambling up the ladder as fast as he could. He hid in the second floor store room (which had been meant to become a bathroom, but they ran out of money and so there was only one bathroom in all of Pueblo and it wasn't accessible to women) hoping she wouldn't find him there.

Her footsteps thundered up the ladder and towards the door, which flew open like the Hulk was about to come in, and the pudgy blond stormed in. "YOU!" she said in a demonic voice, pointing at him and he screamed bloody murder, throwing a cinderblock at her.

She dove for him, but he jumped out of the way, sending her face-first into the wall. As she was getting up, he ran out of the room, slamming and locking the door behind him.

Ashley pounded on the door so hard that Saddler thought it was about to fall off the hinges. "Let me out! I'll punch you so hard, your head will detach from your body and fly over New York City!"

As remotely threatening as that sounded, Saddler wasn't about to let her out until she cooled off. For everyone's safety, not just his own. He looked over the edge of the second floor, seeing villagers scattered in painful positions all over the place, moaning.

He sighed. "Is it too late to call off this world domination thing?"

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_Heh, that was a very weird chapter. This is what you get when I don't have any ideas and I'm pulling things out of the air. The last part was my favorite, actually – I had a load of fun writing that! And that Furby part, oh God… I still have a couple Furbies. A black one and a Dalmatian one. My friend thinks it's hilarious because the Dalmatian one is narcoleptic – if you wake it up, it says 'Me sleep again' and goes right back to sleep._

_Alrighty, well, I should call it a night I suppose. I'll try to update this sooner next time, seeing as it's one of my most popular stories… And the three stories that I co-write are on hold because my co-writers are all busy…_

_Well, that's it for now. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	11. Fast Food

_Hm… You know, I really hate to do this, but I'm writing a super-short chapter. I have this sort of policy that a chapter should never be shorter than at least five pages, but I just can't do it this time – and if I don't update something, I'll feel really annoyed about it later. I haven't been updating anything lately, namely 'cause my three co-writers have been on hiatus for months now, I was having horrible mood swings the last couple weeks, and I'm on a quest for advice that's not getting me much of anywhere, except lost in a maze of confusion. Ah well, I just hope things work out soon…_

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Chapter Eleven: Fast Food

Saddler had some properties of magic. That is to say, that he was in some form, magical. Yeah, seems rather far-fetched, but earlier in his life, he'd managed to make a career off of that. And alchemy. And working in a rather weird Burger King…

"OSMUND!"

Saddler, about twenty years younger, had fallen asleep during his on-the-job escape artist practice, hanging upside down over a deep fryer. Unfortunately, while he was asleep, he knocked over a bunch of raw burgers which had fallen into the hot oil, and, in a freak accident, melded with one of his co-workers.

He opened his eyes and yawned, "Yeah?"

"I've had enough of your constant troublemaking. It's obvious you have no concept of what safety is, and aren't fit to work in any establishment, let alone a fast food place. You're fired!"

Saddler went to sit up with a start, only to realize he was hanging from a cable of some sort, and ended up swinging himself face-first into an oven, before hitting the floor with a crash. "Ouch…"

"See what I mean? You aren't even fit to hold a dangerous occupation! You'd work for a minute and either kill someone, or destroy something!"

Saddler quickly recovered. "But Mr. Spencer, this was the only job I could even apply for within a hundred miles! Everyplace else locked the doors as soon as they saw me coming."

"I don't care. How do you think I came to run a huge pharmaceutical company? By employing complete morons?"

Saddler scratched his head, glancing in the direction of the silhouetted figure standing in the next room, lecturing him. "Wait… If you have a huge pharmaceutical company, why do you manage a Burger King?"

"Get off of my property. Go back to working on that sorcerer's stone thing that turns stuff into gold, or whatever and never come back!"

"You mean the Philosopher's stone? That's sort of an abstract idea really; as an alchemy junkie, even I find that concept to be a little odd. How does something turn stuff into gold, or give people immortality?"

"GET OUT!"

"Okay, okay." Saddler started on his way out, throwing his uniform on he floor spitefully, and screaming bloody murder when he saw one of his co-workers. "What the hell happened to you?!"

"I became half burnt hamburger, thanks to you," the mass of remotely human-looking matter in a uniform replied.

"This world is just terrifying," Saddler said to himself, hoping never to see the Burger King again.

Fortunately for him, he wouldn't. And his boss' company would do horrible things, get in trouble and go bankrupt. And his deformed co-worker would go on to become a millionaire and date supermodels… Don't ask how.

What Saddler didn't know, was that for the next few years, he'd try to live out his dream of being a magician/escape artist… And be one of the most hated things on the face of the earth since Vanilla Ice. Nor did he know that in his conquest to get away from it all, he'd find himself the leader of a cult in a small Spanish village, with a psychotic girlfriend and a severely retarded arch-nemesis.

What a wonderful life!

Saddler suddenly awoke, looking around and hearing his wife to be beating on the door still, and some villagers praying to him below.

He leaned back against the wall, and sighed. "Why did I have that recurring dream again, about an episode of Biography based on my life??"

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_Eh, I've never been the type to write plain old filler, but that's definitely what that was. Yikes…_

_So Spencer not only owned Umbrella, but a Burger King. Ooh… That thought just made me nauseous. Yeah, the alchemy thing came out of nowhere, but blame it on the History channel. I watched a show on the Philosopher's stone the other night, and now I can quit thinking about how weird that whole thing sounds… And yeah, I know I still haven't gotten into the whole "failed magician" thing yet, but I'm getting there. For some reason, I keep getting this idea of something similar to a birthday party clown…_

_Well, that's it for this horribly short, and sad chapter. Next time, the story will be back to normal. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	12. The Salamander Thing

_Wow, it's been a while since I actually updated this… Not terribly long as compared to some of my other stories, but still, a while. I wanted to write a new chapter, but I kept putting off typing until I only had time to work on one thing, and I really haven't been typing much other than on Fridays, so I just didn't get to. At the moment, I have no clue what this chapter will really entail, 'cause I just haven't really thought about much lately – my thoughts are very one-sided. But once I get going, I think I'll do okay. Better than the last chapter, anyway._

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Chapter Twelve: The Salamander Thing

Our group of not-quite heroes had made it through the swamp after their strange misadventure shortly before, having suffered only minor setbacks – if you consider dynamite lines and people with sharp weapons to be minor.

They were walking up an incline, past one of the many piles of wood that scattered the countryside for no apparent reason, just to walk up to another one.

There was a sound like a motor out on the lake that lie before them, and a crappy old motorboat came into view.

"Duck," Dri said, and the two cops, in addition to Mom, ducked behind the woodpile.

"Duck? Where?" Leon asked, and the two cops grabbed his arms, pulling him down behind the logs.

In the boat were two creepy men, and when they came to the middle of the lake, they stopped the boat.

The four watched as the two men dumped the body of Diego from Go, Diego, Go! into the lake and then sailed off.

"Uh… What the hell was that about?" Pas asked, scratching his beard.

"No! Not Diego!" Leon shouted, pounding his fist on the woodpile. "That poor kid never stood a chance! Who will save the cute jungle animals now?!"

The two cops and the cow exchanged weird looks, questioning why a 27-year-old government agent would be watching a show aimed at preschoolers.

Suddenly, the water began to shift and roll, like something was disturbing the area around the floating body, and a gigantic salamander came up out of the lake, swallowing the kid whole and disappearing under the water again.

They all gasped – including Mom, which was a sight to see – and of course, as if the whole thing couldn't get weirder, it did.

"Hola!" came a high-pitched voice.

They slowly turned to see Dora the Explorer standing behind them.

Leon seemed the least disturbed. "Wow, her head is even bigger in person."

"Have you seen my cousin Diego?" she asked with a smile.

"Yeah, he's in the salamander-thing's stomach."

"Del Lago," she corrected.

"No, don't start speaking Spanish, I don't get it."

"Del Lago. Repeat after me. Del Lago."

"Del Lago," the two cops said, Mom mooing with them.

"Del Lago. Say it with me! Del Lago."

With that, Leon shot her in the head and she slumped to the ground.

"Thank you! She was getting annoying!" Dri said with relief, kicking the Dora right in the head out of frustration.

"I like Dora, but I like Boots better," Leon said, and they looked at him weird again.

"Err, I think we should get probably go see what's down that path over there."

So they went down the other path, pausing twice for Leon to investigate the shacks that were there, finding some useful things… And for some reason, smashing them into a strange conglomerate of bullets, herbs and broken wood. His companions questioned whether or not even he understands what he does.

At the end of the path was a nice, albeit rickety, dock. They stood there and looked around.

"I guess we have to cross the lake?" Pas suggested.

"There's nothing else to do here," Dri replied, just for Leon to clap his hands together happily.

"Look, fish!"

"Oh, great…"

For the next hour, Leon shot at the fish, wasting most of the ammo he had – and since the cops were presently unarmed, that was a REALLY bad idea.

"Yay! Come on, guys, let's grab the fish!"

And so they piled into the motorboat, cow and all, and made a horrible attempt to steer while Leon picked dead fish out of the water and chucked them on Dri, who just sat there with a begrudging expression.

"This is fantastic!" Leon said tossing the last fish over his shoulder just for it to crack Pas in the face. "Now I can make more fish necklaces!"

"Or," said Dri, "You could sell them, make more money and get better weapons."

Leon thought. "Nah, I like fish necklaces better."

"Let's go before I drown him."

They started heading across the lake, dodging floating stumps and heading for the opposite shore…

Meanwhile, in the mines below Salazar's castle…

"Come on, you stupid bastards. Pick up."

Saddler tapped his foot against the ground impatiently, holding what appeared to be some strange version of a cellphone crossed with a toaster.

"Hello?" came a voice on the other end.

"It's me."

"William Shatner?"

"What? No! Lord Saddler, the guy you worship? Anyway, how are things on the island?"

On the island…

The soldier scratched his head with the phone, looking back at a bunch of guys who were having fun mixing dog food with rotten meat and squirting condiments on it, while some other guys were drinking all of the wine in the cellar.

"Um… Good."

"Is everything under control?"

A guy who'd been swinging from a bag that was suspended on a rope hanging from the ceiling, accidentally let go and came crashing down on the table where the others were mixing their disgusting concoction with mustard and ketchup.

"Err… Yeah."

"Great. I'll be back soon."

In the mines…

"I know those idiots are screwing around. I swear, I'll have them all fed to the Iron Maidens."

"Good help is hard to find," Mendez said, coming up alongside him and observing his villagers at work.

The villagers were singing. "The machines are kind of tricky, probably someone will be killed. But we'd gladly work for nothing - "

"Which is good, because we don't intend to pay," Salazar sang in response.

"That song is about Christmas. Can't you sing something else?" Saddler shouted so everyone could hear him over all the noise.

"The dirt in these shovels will give us a beat. You gotta find something never found before, if not, we'll just have to dig some more," the villagers began. "Nananana na na. Dig it, oh oh oh, dig it. Dig it, oh oh oh. Oh."

"You got to go and dig those holes," Dr. Salvador's brother, Dr. Salvador, sang.

"Why did you show them Holes?" Saddler grumbled, running a hand down his face.

"Don't blame me," Mendez retorted, "You told me to pick something fast at the rental place."

"Lord Saddler," a villager said, coming up to them, "I have bad news. Dora was killed."

"No! Not Dora! … Wait, why did we have Dora the Explorer go find them, anyway?"

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_As usual, very weird. Not exactly the most inspired chapter, but I gave it a stab. It's hard to write comedy when you feel like I do right now._

_Heh, don't ask where the whole Dora/Diego thing came from… Somehow I just ended up writing about that. And I think there might actually be some more Dora, but I won't get into that and give it away. "Holes", on the other hand, I was watching right before I started this chapter. And in case you wondered, the first song the villagers sing is from my favorite of the two Christmas episodes of Futurama._

_Okay, well, that's it for this chapter. I need to get up early, and I'm really, really tired, so I'd better wrap this up. Ugh… I have so much to update…_

_I'll be back sooner than later, hopefully, so in the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


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